How to Survive on $500,000 a year

A Bank Executive's User Guide To Surviving a Government Bailout:

So. Barack Obama is going to cap salaries for any Financial Institution receiving a TARP Federal Bailout at $500,000. Seriously? Who does this guy think he is!? Where does he think this is? Albania, circa 1985?

Since Mr. President doesn't seem to understand how IT IS in the REAL WORLD, let's look at how YOU (Mr. Bank Executive) can SURVIVE on just $500k per year. Impossible, you say? I beg to differ. Just follow some of these tips, and you are sure to muck through...somehow.

#1--Teach your spouse to Drive: You can get rid of that driver. It may be a little tough at first, insuring the Rolls Royce. And you will face the possibilities of the missus putting a scratch in the fender. But think of the costs you will save. It will be a true hardship, but we'll get through this if you are brave...

#2--Save costs by having your mistress move in: This one is pure genius. Think of the cost savings. No 5 star hotels to put your mistress up in. No additional jewelry purchases. She and the wife can share. Her using the guest room is optional, I guess. She may even prove to be a good substitute to the nanny. She's certainly a cheap alternative to actually having to take care of your own children. You can even cut down on the expensive dinners you have to take her out on. If you have two mistresses, imagine the cost savings you could employ. Perhaps one of the mistresses even knows how to drive!

#3--Purchase a lawnmower: Landscaping is pretty expensive. Bonus points for a rider. You can teach your children to help you in your efforts to figure out how to start it.

#4--Toughen up your calluses-Use the washer/dryer: I know it's a lot of buttons to push, but washing your clothes means that you could wear them again. I know the concept of wearing clothes a second time is blasphemy, but hey, now that you are poor, you can't afford to be buying a new wardrobe EVERY WEEK! Let's start by dropping the shopping sprees to once a month.

#5--Skip the trips to Gstaad, Cannes, and Grand Cayman: I hear the Jersey Shore is wonderful in the Summer! Think of all the new people you can meet, and pal around with! Just be mindful of those potholes on the Garden State Parkway (fortunately, it's winter right now. In reference to point #1 above, you have MONTHS to learn how to drive in New Jersey! Think what an adventure being poor is!).

#6--Commercial flights go just about everywhere: Consider First Class (let's not get hasty here!). You may find it surprisingly comfortable, despite those pesky lines and security checks.

#7--Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast: No great words of wisdom here. I just happen to think it's a great meal, at a great value. A viable alternative suggestion here is "Moons over my Hammy!"

#8--Other Serious Cost Reduction ideas: Cut down on the trips to Scores to only once every OTHER week. That should save about $100,000 a year right there. Ladies, you could scrape by without that trip to Aspen this winter, right? Seriously, you HATE those other trophy wives anyway. And it's cold there. Really!

Whew! It seems almost impossible, doesn't it!? At this rate, the trust fund will be dry in what seems like just months!

But don't worry. This is just a starting point. I am sure others will continue to contribute ideas as to how to cut corners, scrimp and save, and somehow...with a little luck, and gumption...YOU TOO could survive on just $500,000 a year!

(note, I wanted to thank my friend, Regis Philbin for his contributions to this article)